Feeling incredibly grateful to currently be sitting on a balcony in Crete looking at the sea. Also feeling spoilt with the opportunity to write and therefore planning to make full use of my time here. Alongside some other projects I have now taken the plunge and committed to, whether on my own, with friends, or other companies, I am also going to be try to write a few of these. So bare with me; if you’ve just joined, welcome and if you’ve read from the beginning, thanks for sticking with me.
The last time we spoke I had actually managed to bag myself a proper, profesh audition with proper profesh peoples. I explained about being nervy and overcoming the self doubt which quietly creeps in once you leave the safe space of university/college/training. (If you want to read my rambles on this it was in my last blog ‘Check Yourself’). It turns out I didn’t make the cut for that particular show. Having been offered the chance to receive feedback it would seem my rendition of ‘Om pa pa’ was more ‘Om pa na’ (God, that’s awful but I couldn’t help myself!). I know full well that my singing skills leave a lot to be desired but I also know I don’t want to be a singer, only maybe for myself – in the shower. So I hold no grudge.
I was however somewhat surprised and elated to find that although it was bad news I received I felt a great sense of peace and acceptance. Slowly but surely my self doubt is creeping back to wherever it came from. I think by sharing, speaking, and writing about it all I have found many others in the same position as me. Scared to move forward yet detesting where they are. Everything moves forward, and time does too. It’s natural to keep moving, don’t fight it.
I have been trying to reaffirm what I was told in an audition with an incredible director just prior to graduating; not getting the job is not a reflection of your talent, nor is it personal you are simply not what that person/persons needs right now. It seems to be working, I feel more content than I have in months. I am working on projects, I have things to fill my time. They might not be with big companies or leading theatres but I bloody love them and am excited each time I sit down to work. If I keep going, keep moving forward then perhaps these projects and others which are similar will be picked up by the big companies or leading theatres. But I will get there by moving forward with people I admire, care for and trust.
I was not meant to get that job because it would mean missing the projects I mentioned earlier. The old ‘one door closes’ scenario I suppose. (So many clichés I know, but it’s what you came for). Trust your path.
Keep sharing, speaking, and writing. Keep looking for new opportunities, people, places. Keeping moving forward. You’ll stumble across things you never ever knew you could have. The world is your oyster, you just step out into it.
Speak soon, M x